


Sunshine

by rensbloom



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-09
Updated: 2017-09-09
Packaged: 2018-12-25 17:22:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12040629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rensbloom/pseuds/rensbloom
Summary: “I’ll be home,” Bernie had said to her, just three weeks ago. “Once you’re settled into working life again, once things are starting to feel normal, I’ll be home. I’ll hold you in my arms and I’ll kiss you all over and I swear, I swear on my life, that I will never let us be separated again.”





	Sunshine

The first place Serena goes is Bernie’s flat. No one will disturb her there.

She lets herself in with the key Bernie sent to her house for safekeeping while she was in Sudan, so it wouldn’t get lost, so no one would break in. Jason had taken care of it while she was in Marseille. Now, as she holds it, the ridges cut into her palm. She doesn’t feel it. When she reaches Bernie’s bedroom she lets it fall, soft and unheard, onto the dusty carpet.

 

 

“I’ll be home,” Bernie had said to her, just three weeks ago. “Once you’re settled into working life again, once things are starting to feel normal, I’ll be home. I’ll hold you in my arms and I’ll kiss you all over and I swear, I swear on my life, that I will never let us be separated again.”

 

 

Serena lies down on Bernie’s bed, stripped of sheets, stripped of everything except one grubby pillow which she pushes her face into. It smells of blonde messy hair, morning coffee, big grey Holby City hoodies, navy and burgundy and bright blue scrubs. She stares at the key she dropped on the carpet until her eyes burn and vision blurs, willing herself to feel.

 

 

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey…”

Bernie’s fingers softly massage Serena’s scalp as she croons into her ear, her voice low and dulcet. They’re lying in each other’s arms on the sofa in Serena’s sitting room. Jason’s gone to bed after his usual three-hour-long fix of Countdown, so they’re finally alone.

Serena can feel herself drifting. She wants to stay in this moment forever, but her exhaustion is catching up with her. It’s been a long day at work; she dreads the thought of Christmas rapidly approaching, knowing it’ll only get busier. Ellie’s coming in soon, she thinks dreamily, to do her uni project. It’ll be lovely to see her, lovely to introduce her to Bernie.

“You’ll never know dear, how much I love you…” Bernie pauses her singing to tenderly kiss the top of Serena’s head, nuzzles her nose in her soft brown hair. “Please don’t take my sunshine away…”

 

 

It’s dark by the time Serena gets the strength to rise from the bed. Lunch and dinnertime has been and gone. Unsteadily, she bends down to pick the key up.

Terrible time to call someone, she thinks as she walks down the street towards Holby, in the early hours of the morning. She doubts they planned it to be malicious, though. After all, it’s not the kind of news you can ignore and will to go away.

 

 

Her watch says 10:38. She walks in, takes the lift up to AAU. She knows everyone will be there, wonders what they’ll say. Whether they’ll smother her in sympathy, or drown her in silence. As it turns out, they do neither. Raf and Fletch make awkward eye contact with her as she passes, slips into her office without a word. She can’t blame them, she thinks, sinking down in her seat. I wouldn’t know what to say in this situation if you handed me a script.

 

 

She relives every moment. The talk about Bernie’s divorce, the back massage, the terrible drawings, the glasses of wine after their kiss in theatre. And then that second kiss. Serena stands up for that, places herself in the exact spot she’d been that day, or near as damn it. She closes her eyes and pretends her arms are around that lithe, beautiful body. Remembers how those sunshine curls felt as she threaded her fingers through them. Focuses hard, and just for a moment, thinks she can hear those little whimpers that they never quite worked out who was making.

They’re so real, she opens her eyes, expecting to find Bernie in front of her, smiling that wolfish grin and leaning in to capture her lips again.

She finds only a darkened wall and empty silence.

 

 

It shouldn’t have happened, Serena thinks as she walks outside, much later, to flag down a taxi. In any other situation, it wouldn’t have. But Bernie was always the brave one, the protector. Serena knows from experience that if she cares enough for someone, she’ll lay her life down for them without question. That was her purpose, and she knew that all along.

 

 

It’s yet another busy morning on AAU. Serena hasn’t seen her partner all morning, but it’s all right. She walked into her office earlier to find a takeaway latte (upon tasting it, she makes a mental note to both verbally and non-verbally congratulate her later on remembering the extra shot), and next to it, a plastic-wrapped pain-au-chocolat and a hastily scribbled note in Bernie’s unmistakeable scrawl. ‘Missing you. See you later, I’ll be in here to do some paperwork in about an hour. You are my sunshine… Bernie x’

She thinks about it all afternoon.

 

 

The graveyard is eerily quiet at midnight. She’d be more than a little perturbed if feeling hadn’t deserted her. At Ellie’s grave, she sinks to her knees, presses her forehead against the cold headstone and kisses her hello. She’d chosen ‘gone too soon’ to be engraved, thinking it was the first and only time those words would be appropriate. How wrong she was.

 

 

There’s no real point in going to the Italian restaurant; it’s shut, and Serena would be unreasonable to expect otherwise at two in the morning. The shutters are down, and everything’s blacked out. She tries the door, then feels stupid. It’s locked, of course. How could it be anything else? Nonetheless, she tries it once more, just to be sure. It doesn’t budge. Serena should know by now that impossible things don’t happen even when you’re hurting. The clue, she supposes, is in the title – impossible is impossible, and that’s all there is to it.

The wind whistles through her ears. “You could have ordered by the glass,” murmurs a soft voice in her ear, but Serena doesn’t turn. She knows she’s just imagining things.

 

 

Jason’s gone to bed by the time she gets in. She goes upstairs, strips off clothes and tugs on pyjamas. She wears the pair she always used to lend to Bernie when she stayed over, the pair she never washes. She’s glad of it now, though Bernie always used to find it funny. “But I’m right here,” she’d tease. “You don’t need a pair of pyjamas to remind you of that.”

 

 

They always tell you it keeps you awake at night, Serena thinks, staring at the ceiling in the darkness, and it’s true. But then you’re also exhausted, and you know before long you’re going to go out like a light. Eventually the body has to shut down and sleep no matter how miserable you are.

She glances at the bedside clock to her left, numbers glowing green. Nearly four now. It won’t be long. She’ll fall asleep and maybe for one hour, two hours, she won’t have to think about any of this. She rolls over onto Bernie’s side of the bed, snuggles into the pillow. Everything smells like her. For a moment, just a blissful, split-second moment, Serena feels happy.

 

 

She wakes at eight. Jason’s downstairs; she can hear the clinking of bowls and spoons, the opening of cupboards. She strains her ears hard for the coffee machine; after a moment, sure enough, he clicks it on. He’ll be up soon, then. Jason doesn’t like coffee, not even if Serena adds three sugars and pairs it with a chocolate biscuit. Although, she recalls, once he did drink it when Bernie made it with something she’d bought from the supermarket. Must’ve been a good one. She regrets never asking her partner what she put in it; she’ll never work it out by herself. Maybe it was a certain brand…a coffee alternative? She’ll go to the health food shop next week and see if she can find something suitable.

She slides her legs slowly over the side of the bed, stretches a little before standing and padding over to the window. Drawing the curtains, she’s met with blinding, golden light. It beams towards her like a spotlight, bathing her in warmth and filling the entire room.

Serena’s eyes fill with tears, but she can’t help the smile that spreads across her face.

“Hello, my sunshine,” she whispers.

**Author's Note:**

> I can only apologise.  
> AMIF is being worked on - if I promise not to make it even remotely sad, hopefully that's compensation.  
> Xo Ren


End file.
